The 2nd of September 2023 will be a day I will never forget for the rest of my life!

The day I lost A best friend. Now I have 3 people left in my life that I can call my best friend, but she was a special kind of best friend because she was my first friend with Sickle Cell Anemia. The first person I ever knew besides my two siblings with Sickle Cell Anemia.

I called her my older sister even though she was 1 year and 7 months younger than me. “I want to be like you when I grow up” I would say and she would laugh in that high pitched laugh of hers and say “eh eh why!?” and I would just laugh. Josey was an intentional friend, intentional about what she did with her life, intentional about who she surrounded herself with and who she spent time with and she was an all-around soft life ambassador.

I still remember the call I got from Steven that day, “Don, she’s gone…”. I didn’t even ask who. I just fell onto my couch and asked “Why? What happened?”. The second worst thing about that day is I hadn’t even known she was sick, she would ALWAYS tell me when she was sick and especially when she was in hospital. Why didn’t she tell me this time? She must have thought she would bounce back like she always did and didn’t want to worry me because me worrying would easily land me in the next room of that hospital. The third worst thing about that day is that I meant to call her that morning just to catchup and I had question to ask her, I can’t even remember what I wanted to ask her about now. I can’t remember what distracted me from calling her, probably some new season of a stupid show I can’t even remember watching.

I’ve lost a sibling, close relatives and friends before but I have never lost someone who I felt was like all 3. I remember when I lost my brother I was just numb to all emotion. I guess that is an emotion too actually. I remember crying but I don’t remember experiencing a spectrum of emotions from sadness to anger to regret back to sadness then hate, hopelessness, loneliness and numbness. Maybe it was because I was still young and naive to fully acknowledge the value of life and how fleeting it can be. But with Josey it felt like when you’re at a function or party and the speakers die and suddenly it’s just pointless, endless, silence and you just want to immediately leave the party altogether.

The thing about grief is that there is no one-size-fits-all approach to coping with it. I wasn’t able to attend her funeral because of my condition so I never really got a full sense of closure. My method of dealing with this grief and non-closure was the unhealthiest of all considering my condition. The whole of September I was so busy dealing with the loss, not processing the loss, just dealing with it and helping put together an amazing celebration/Gala with our team in her honor and remembrance. As soon as that was done all I wanted to do was forget about it, not process it, not think about it. Especially on the following weekends. I didn’t want to be alone at home and allow myself to grieve, I didn’t want to speak to my therapist or consider professional help, I didn’t take care of my physical health, I didn’t establish a routine to provide structure and a sense of normalcy during this difficult time, I didn’t give myself time. I didn’t do a single healthy thing emotionally, mentally and physically. October was a whole heap of bad decisions and a hospital admission came along with that.

A few days ago my closest friend said “Gotta be better than this man”, that’s all it took for me to snap out of self destruct mode and realize all that I am wrecking and all that I could lose. All that I have fought so hard for, what me and Josey both fought so hard for. What I still fight so hard for. I need to treat myself like I am someone responsible for helping. If I’m not in a good shape, I’m no use to those who are relying on me.

Actually this post is the closest I have come to sitting down and started processing all of it. It’s the first time I’ve cried since the 2nd on September. When I started writing this post I didn’t even realize it was the 2nd of November.

It’s been exactly two months.

I love you and miss you Josephine Esisa Madewo. Our soft life ambassador forever!