Shame is an unpleasant self-conscious emotion typically associated with a negative evaluation of the self, withdrawal motivations, and feelings of distress, exposure, mistrust, powerlessness, and worthlessness.

I’ve dealt with a lot of shame these past 3 years since I developed Avascular Necrosis in both my hips due to my Sickle Cell. I had a left hip replacement 2 years ago and hopefully I’ll have my right hip replaced in the coming months this year.

A chronic illness can often lead to intense feelings of shame and lowered self-worth. We struggle to find physicians that are patient enough to treat us, friends that are willing to stand with us during the ups and the downs, and employers that can accommodate our limitations. And that is just the beginning… In our daily lives, we are inundated with images of beautiful people and strong, healthy bodies. We consistently encounter places and situations that are not accessible. This causes us to internalize the implicit, but far from subtle, attitude that we are not wanted, we are not attractive, and we are not important enough to make an effort for. The heavy doors too difficult to open with a cane in hand, the steps, the fast pace everyone without mobility issues is used to had me feeling alienated, outcast, angry, rejected, and shamed sometimes.

I despised the mental image I had made of myself with a cane so much that I never used one up till recently because I was ashamed. I struggled through months of pain and a slight, but rapidly worsening limp, because I didn’t want other people to judge me, come up with stories in their heads and ask me questions. It took me forever to realize that no one really gives a shit anyway, they’re too busy dealing with their own problems most of the time.

Unresolved shame can lead to feelings of depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem. Shame may also be a symptom of some mental health diagnoses, such as body dysmorphia, or the product of a traumatic experience, such as rape or sexual assault. Living with shame, regardless of the shame’s source, can be a lonely and demoralizing experience.

The experience of shame can be deeply unpleasant. People experiencing shame are struck by the overwhelming belief that they—as opposed to their actions or feelings—are bad. In some people, this may inspire a change in behavior. In others, shame can be paralyzing.

Shame is not rational. You may be capable and loved by many, but still feel shame. Shame is visceral and can defy logical reasoning. As we reinforce these shameful thoughts day after day, they become ingrained in our self-image.

Unlike other primary emotions, such as anger or sadness, shame lacks a channel of release. When we feel sad, we cry. When we are angry, we shout. Shame stays inside us, without an easy means of discharge.

Shame comes with a lot of shoulds. If you find yourself shoulding all over yourself or someone else, you’re pushing shame. That’s gross. Quit that. You can’t change the past, but you can change how you feel about the past. If there is one thing I can pass along from my current life with chronic illness, it is that we don’t need to live in isolation. We don’t need to be perfect to be loved. There is value in the vulnerability required to be a part of a real community. Finding that community is among the most important things we do as we grow older. I will continue to remind myself that those who would shame me or ask me to be anything other than who I am are not my people, and I need to let them go.

I used to think I was strong when I didn’t need help. I have since learned there is great strength in the vulnerability of asking for help, having people in your life that will authentically say “Yes” or “No,” and knowing I can trust in that truth.

This brings me to my final point. Most of us will experience chronic illness as we age. It could be living with cancer, autoimmune disease, diabetes, heart disease and so much more. Things that used to kill are now becoming chronic. How would you like to be treated if your body suddenly began to malfunction? Imagine how you would want your friends, family, loved ones to care for you, and that is the beginning of learning what you can do for others.